While I’ve been writing a goodly amount lately, I haven’t been posting it because the results were terribly dull, even to me. They’ve been dull because I’ve been trying to resolve the kind of question that only ever can be resolved by thinking and praying and waiting and poking at it every now and again. It’s the kind of question that can often only be resolved by finding something that I hadn’t realized existed before, or at least which I didn’t know to be an option for me. In the meantime I make a little foray in one direction and then go: no, that wasn’t it. I try another direction: no, that wasn’t it either. And again: nope, not it. It’s dull to read because all the “nope, wasn’t it” answers look like criticisms, because I have to try them out to see if they work. Shall I try self-assessments? No, apparently not. I could go on at length as to why not, but that’s not especially important. Do I wait and pray? That’s still unresolved, but yes. Do I fill out a bunch of applications? Sure, but that’s beside the point. Do I reflect upon the process itself and the workings of the human mind? Nope, not it. Do I take more classes? Classes are lovely, but still not it. I could try expecting less…? Also rather beside the point. What, exactly, is the point? I’m not sure yet.

I’m somewhat hopeful about there being an “it” I’m looking for because the last time I felt like this about something, over a prolonged period of time, it was about church and resulted in becoming Orthodox. So I sort of know what a resolution would be like. I mean, I suppose I would know that it was the answer to what I had been asking regardless of how I felt about that at any given time, and regardless of the extent to which I’m likely to be any good at it.

EDIT: *sigh* This is the other reason I haven’t written much: because three hours later I suppose that what I said before was probably inaccurate.


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